Now I Can Relate To You

Cancer patients and survivors for the most part can relate to each other in some way or another after they have had their diagnosis. Cancer steals so much from all of us and we all have our own personal demons to fight. I went for my second radiation treatment on my brain this January, 2017 because the tumours in my brain are continuing to spread. In fact, they are starting to spread more rapidly than anyone on my medical team has expected. They were causing a lot of confusion and dizziness. Some days, I could barely walk on my own even with the use of the walker and had to be supported or guided by others. I would often get confused and do weird out of character things that I did not remember doing until I was told later. All of this is because of the tumours in my brain that are continuing to spread and grow.

It can also strip us of our ability to have children. Children were always something that I thought that I could have later. If anyone asked me about wanting to have children or when I was having children the reply was always “later”, if I find the right father, or when I’m settled enough in my life to be able to support a child on my own. Physically, that is impossible now because I am in early menopause and would not be able to have my own children even if I wanted to. I would never have a child because I am dying and I would not be able to take care of a child by myself. Some days I have a hard enough time taking care of myself. I am also single and would not have anyone to leave my child to when I pass.

It takes our breasts, our hair, and heck even our toenails no longer look how they looked before this all started. Mine have mostly fallen out and grown back ugly. I have two that are trying desperately to fall out as we speak. We stop feeling attractive and beautiful because people stare and point us out to friends to make fun of our appearances. Which is just ignorant and rude. We should not be judged so harshly by people who have never gone through an experience like this and I do not believe that we would be demeaned as cruelly by someone who has watched a friend or loved one go through this kind of treatment before in the past.

I stopped in at the Taco del Mar on the way home from treatment one day.  I was sitting there sharing some tacos with my mom and having a good conversation when I saw an Army guy walk through the restaurant past my table. Something about him seemed off so when I looked up, I saw his phone sticking out of his pocket and his thumb on about where the camera button would be. I heard the shutter sound go off a few times. He walked past me twice and then he took another picture from behind me when he got back to where he started. I was so disgusted with how ignorant that was, taking a picture of a bald person that obviously has cancer or if not cancer then some other serious sickness with no regard for their feelings at all.  I just got up because the restaurant was full of Army people and I didn’t want to deal with more harassment. Normally I would have called him out on his behaviour but I had been sick for so long that I just did not have it in me. So, we got up and left. As soon as I stood up to leave, I heard the shutter go off a fourth time. Incidents like these really are not necessary. They do not help anyone out. All they do is belittle and humiliate us while bringing the one’s suffering from depression down even lower.

This fall, when I was getting so sick from my drugs and vomiting, I met a new acquaintance at the Cross Cancer Centre in Edmonton. He said how it was funny that we now rationalize things with our cancer. He mentioned that he had issues with his treatment because taking his drugs were hard on him so he was throwing up a few times a week like I was. We both decided that throwing up twice a week is much better than vomiting everyday. The little things in life are so much easier to justify and reason with than they used to be because often there are more serious things we should deal with in our lives.

One of the biggest things with cancer is when it steals our futures. I have been told that I have more months left to live than I do years. I still have no clue how long that is so please, do not ask. I will deal with that day when it comes. It almost feels like we have all joined a club that there is a secret handshake to get in. I was always shy growing up. Now I do my best to put other cancer patients at ease because I do not want them to be afraid. It helps me be less afraid when I talk to someone else about my cancer, about how they are doing with their own, or about nothing at all really. For some, just chatting relaxes them and helps them rethink how they feel about their cancer. Chatting with me will not cure your cancer but it might lift your spirits to talk to someone who understands or to talk about anything else but cancer with another person. For others, there is nothing you can do. Cancer is a scary disease so they can be wound up and nothing gets through to them.  They are also the only people who truly understand what we are going through and for some, what we are going through is not particularly pleasant. I have been asked if I would ever wish cancer on someone. As cliché as it sounds, I would not even wish this on my worst enemy. Going through this is a painful and difficult process both mentally and physically, as well as  emotionally. I have not had surgery because as I have mentioned in other posts, I was diagnosed as stage 4 right from the beginning so surgery was not really an option for me and the odds were good that I would not have survived it at the time.